Talk about it
Talk about it
Updated 06:32am (Mla time) Nov 06, 2004
By Michael Tan
Inquirer News Service
Editor's Note: Published on page A15 of the November 5, 2004 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer
FOR many Filipino parents, sex isn't something you talk about at home, especially with their children. The reasons for this neglect vary, ranging from not knowing what to say to the idea that talking about sex will lead to having sex.
Other parents are willing to concede to some form of sex education, as long as this is done at home. The type of education here varies, from token discussions about the birds and the bees to fathers taking their sons to nightclubs and brothels and initiating them into "manhood."
Views on sex education in schools also vary. Some parents are only too happy to leave this task to the schools, while the more conservative are vehemently opposed to this, fearful that liberal teachers might instill strange ideas in their kids' minds, for example, that women should be independent, or that responsible parenting includes family planning, or, horror or horrors, that homosexuals have rights, too.
Where does all this leave our young people? Just last week, a secretary working for a non-government organization told me about a problem she was having with her eldest son, or rather with her son's school. Her story should remind us how complicated this matter of sex education is.
The notebook
I'm going to call this secretary Lina and her son, Jun. The son is 13, and has just started high school. The other week, one of his teachers called in the mother and showed her one of Jun's notebooks and, in disgust, pointed to two pages where there were "obscene" (“malaswa”) drawings, showing trysting couples.
Lina could sense this was a serious matter and tried to negotiate as respectfully as she could. She agreed that a school notebook isn't the place for such drawings, but also argued that the pictures only reflected the curiosity young people have about sex.
The teacher asked if Lina had been showing "dirty books" to Jun. Lina said that because of her work with NGOs, she was convinced it was important to talk with children about sex, and she had been passing on to Jun materials on sex appropriate for his age.
The teacher disagreed. "Kids these days already know too much," she complained, adding that recently, she had caught one of the students showing a condom to his classmates. "Imagine, a condom!" the shocked teacher said. "I've been married for so long and have never seen a condom, so I didn't even know what it was and why the students were giggling."
Lina knew she would be waging a losing battle with this teacher and asked what action was to be taken. The teacher was firm: The matter had been referred to the principal, and the boy would be suspended for two days.
FHM
Lina knew she had to choose her battles, and for this one, it would have to continue at home with her son. Jun was in tears when he got home, having been told of the suspension and thinking he was going to get an earful from his mother and maybe even a beating from his father.
But Lina was consoling and supportive, repeating what she had always told her children: Sex is good, without sex you would not have come into this world. But people have different ways of looking at sex and some people think it's dirty and disgusting. So, while we can be open at home about it, we should know too when to be quiet, when to be discreet. By "we" Lina meant herself and her children. Her husband isn't quite as open about sex.
So, she explained to Jun, that in a school notebook, at least in the school where Jun was studying, "bold" drawings would not be appropriate.
Lina asked me what it was like in the University of the Philippines (UP). I said that teachers at the UP high school probably wouldn't go around checking students' notebooks, in the first place, but if they did find "bold" pictures, they probably wouldn't suspend the student.
Lina was curious, too, asking Jun where he picked up the ideas for the drawings. He answered: "FHM." (For my more innocent readers, that's a widely sold magazine with photographs of minimally clad women.)
A wise Lina told me: "Sir, you see, you can be careful in choosing the sex education materials for your child but outside the home they'll still get other stuff like FHM."
We talked about how to handle FHM, explaining it's not the nudity per se that's the problem but the way women are depicted, reduced to objects for men to gawk at. But banning FHM, we both agreed, was not going to be the solution.
Moral compass
Lina knows there will be other "incidents," that you can't just pretend that kids will learn about sex on their own. It's a losing battle at times because, as Lina saw it, we are all bombarded with sexual images.
Screaming "bastos" every time a child talks about sex, or suspending a child for "obscene" drawings reflect immaturity on the part of parents and teachers, creating more problems. These moves tell the child that sex is wrong, that sex is dirty, and, worst of all, that they can't talk with a parent or teacher about such matters. If we continue to deny the need to talk about "it," the kids will only have their peers to rely on, peers who are as uninformed or misinformed as they are, and the motley assortment of books, magazines, movies and videos circulating around.
Some Department of Education officials I've talked with agree that there's a need for sex education in schools-not just boring anatomical charts explaining how babies are made but also "life skills," how young people can deal with courtship and dating. I've actually been apprehensive in this regard, feeling that if teachers themselves carry so many hang-ups and biases about sex, they could create still another generation of confused Filipinos.
There is, too, the paradox that amid the explosion of "sex talk" in mass media, parents remain at a loss as to how to open discussions about sex at home. Even my most liberal friends admit feeling awkward about initiating a discussion. Yet, all of them admit, too, that like sex itself, it's the first time that's the most difficult. Most say that when they first asked their children if they wanted to talk, the kids themselves laughed and began to "lecture" their parents about what they knew-which can be a lot, especially around acts and techniques.
It's the part of values that's often more murky, and that's where parents can play an important role. Parents can, by example and by discussion, equip their children with a moral compass, which they can use to decide for themselves. Start with where they are, encouraging them to share what they already know, so you can come in with your views, without becoming too preachy or judgmental.
Try it. You'll find it's not as difficult as you thought it would be and that it might even be fun, a chance to see and marvel at how your child is growing up. Avoid that responsibility, and you may find yourselves forced to talk about it after a serious problem (a pregnancy, for example) has already occurred.
Updated 06:32am (Mla time) Nov 06, 2004
By Michael Tan
Inquirer News Service
Editor's Note: Published on page A15 of the November 5, 2004 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer
FOR many Filipino parents, sex isn't something you talk about at home, especially with their children. The reasons for this neglect vary, ranging from not knowing what to say to the idea that talking about sex will lead to having sex.
Other parents are willing to concede to some form of sex education, as long as this is done at home. The type of education here varies, from token discussions about the birds and the bees to fathers taking their sons to nightclubs and brothels and initiating them into "manhood."
Views on sex education in schools also vary. Some parents are only too happy to leave this task to the schools, while the more conservative are vehemently opposed to this, fearful that liberal teachers might instill strange ideas in their kids' minds, for example, that women should be independent, or that responsible parenting includes family planning, or, horror or horrors, that homosexuals have rights, too.
Where does all this leave our young people? Just last week, a secretary working for a non-government organization told me about a problem she was having with her eldest son, or rather with her son's school. Her story should remind us how complicated this matter of sex education is.
The notebook
I'm going to call this secretary Lina and her son, Jun. The son is 13, and has just started high school. The other week, one of his teachers called in the mother and showed her one of Jun's notebooks and, in disgust, pointed to two pages where there were "obscene" (“malaswa”) drawings, showing trysting couples.
Lina could sense this was a serious matter and tried to negotiate as respectfully as she could. She agreed that a school notebook isn't the place for such drawings, but also argued that the pictures only reflected the curiosity young people have about sex.
The teacher asked if Lina had been showing "dirty books" to Jun. Lina said that because of her work with NGOs, she was convinced it was important to talk with children about sex, and she had been passing on to Jun materials on sex appropriate for his age.
The teacher disagreed. "Kids these days already know too much," she complained, adding that recently, she had caught one of the students showing a condom to his classmates. "Imagine, a condom!" the shocked teacher said. "I've been married for so long and have never seen a condom, so I didn't even know what it was and why the students were giggling."
Lina knew she would be waging a losing battle with this teacher and asked what action was to be taken. The teacher was firm: The matter had been referred to the principal, and the boy would be suspended for two days.
FHM
Lina knew she had to choose her battles, and for this one, it would have to continue at home with her son. Jun was in tears when he got home, having been told of the suspension and thinking he was going to get an earful from his mother and maybe even a beating from his father.
But Lina was consoling and supportive, repeating what she had always told her children: Sex is good, without sex you would not have come into this world. But people have different ways of looking at sex and some people think it's dirty and disgusting. So, while we can be open at home about it, we should know too when to be quiet, when to be discreet. By "we" Lina meant herself and her children. Her husband isn't quite as open about sex.
So, she explained to Jun, that in a school notebook, at least in the school where Jun was studying, "bold" drawings would not be appropriate.
Lina asked me what it was like in the University of the Philippines (UP). I said that teachers at the UP high school probably wouldn't go around checking students' notebooks, in the first place, but if they did find "bold" pictures, they probably wouldn't suspend the student.
Lina was curious, too, asking Jun where he picked up the ideas for the drawings. He answered: "FHM." (For my more innocent readers, that's a widely sold magazine with photographs of minimally clad women.)
A wise Lina told me: "Sir, you see, you can be careful in choosing the sex education materials for your child but outside the home they'll still get other stuff like FHM."
We talked about how to handle FHM, explaining it's not the nudity per se that's the problem but the way women are depicted, reduced to objects for men to gawk at. But banning FHM, we both agreed, was not going to be the solution.
Moral compass
Lina knows there will be other "incidents," that you can't just pretend that kids will learn about sex on their own. It's a losing battle at times because, as Lina saw it, we are all bombarded with sexual images.
Screaming "bastos" every time a child talks about sex, or suspending a child for "obscene" drawings reflect immaturity on the part of parents and teachers, creating more problems. These moves tell the child that sex is wrong, that sex is dirty, and, worst of all, that they can't talk with a parent or teacher about such matters. If we continue to deny the need to talk about "it," the kids will only have their peers to rely on, peers who are as uninformed or misinformed as they are, and the motley assortment of books, magazines, movies and videos circulating around.
Some Department of Education officials I've talked with agree that there's a need for sex education in schools-not just boring anatomical charts explaining how babies are made but also "life skills," how young people can deal with courtship and dating. I've actually been apprehensive in this regard, feeling that if teachers themselves carry so many hang-ups and biases about sex, they could create still another generation of confused Filipinos.
There is, too, the paradox that amid the explosion of "sex talk" in mass media, parents remain at a loss as to how to open discussions about sex at home. Even my most liberal friends admit feeling awkward about initiating a discussion. Yet, all of them admit, too, that like sex itself, it's the first time that's the most difficult. Most say that when they first asked their children if they wanted to talk, the kids themselves laughed and began to "lecture" their parents about what they knew-which can be a lot, especially around acts and techniques.
It's the part of values that's often more murky, and that's where parents can play an important role. Parents can, by example and by discussion, equip their children with a moral compass, which they can use to decide for themselves. Start with where they are, encouraging them to share what they already know, so you can come in with your views, without becoming too preachy or judgmental.
Try it. You'll find it's not as difficult as you thought it would be and that it might even be fun, a chance to see and marvel at how your child is growing up. Avoid that responsibility, and you may find yourselves forced to talk about it after a serious problem (a pregnancy, for example) has already occurred.
posted by Dante at 12:00 AM
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